Clouded

Numbing the invasive emotions is easy and it takes up less mental exertion.  It’s short-lived but at least, for a time, you are immune to mind viruses. They can’t get to you now because your head is clouded but all the while, they sit and wait.  They only get worse and worse which pushes you to fill your head with more and more clouds each time you sense an emotion peek through the cracks. But at least you aren’t in pain.  You coast through your days, nothing affects you, you remain unmoved by the good and the bad. You’re not happy but at the very least you’re capable of surviving each day. You try to stay this way as long as possible because you know that the moment the clouds clear away, you will have to start acknowledging the way things really make you feel.  You hope nobody notices the clouds in your head.

Despite the numbness, you still participate in life. You go to work, you go to class, you get your homework done, and you still make time for friends and family.  The only difference now is that you don’t feel that gunshot wound in your heart. It’s still there, you haven’t dealt with it, you are simply ignoring it. It’s safe to say that’s a risky game to play but the clouds hide it so well you almost forget it’s there.  That’s why as the clouds start to clear away, you feel weak and immediately search for something to bring the clouds back. That feeling of weakness turns to guilt and frustration because you want to heal the wound, you just don’t know how to yet.