Dear Mum

Dear Mum,

It's hard to discuss and even harder to understand for both of us. For people who don’t have anxiety or depression, it can be hard to understand why people don’t want to live anymore or why they don’t like their lives; they have a good life, a good family, a good support system and are always smiling.  But it’s not as simple as wanting to just stop living.    

For me, it’s more about trying to find the motivation to live the life I so desperately want.  The thing with depression is even the people who are affected by it don’t always understand why.  I imagine both Anxiety and Depression as separate entities that have infiltrated my brain.  They don’t allow me to follow through with my decisions and instead force me into self-destructive patterns.  It’s not that I want to die, it’s more that I don’t want to keep living in this way and sometimes I have the energy to fight and try and fix this, but other times, I would have preferred to have simply never woken up that day.

Looking up “depression” on Google won’t help you understand how I feel, you will get the same phrase in different variations that don’t fully explain what is going on, especially since it’s different for everyone.  

“Mental health disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life” -Mayo Clinic

I experience sadness but also anger, guilt, hopelessness, anxiety, and so many other things that make the simplest of things (like getting out of bed) a major challenge.  I wake up each morning and in those first few moments of being awake, I forget how last night, I cried myself to sleep, or cut my arms with a razor, or burnt my fingertips with my lighter. Then, once I come to establish the time of day and everything sinks in, the Entities in my brain remind me of my self-hatred and desperate want to no longer exist. Some mornings I don’t want to leave my bed at all and all I want is to remove myself from this world until I have fixed my brain.

I go through so many different emotions in a day and all the voices and opinions in my head tell me contradictory things about myself and my life.  The negative voices are stronger and they’re the ones that tell me I’m not worth it, that I’m a burden, that I’m a disappointment and a failure.  They tell me I’m lazy because I can’t get out of bed even though they are the reason why.  I know it seems silly to make them separate beings but if they aren’t separate then that means that it’s all just me; a reality that makes things harder for me.  If I keep them as separate beings eventually they can be removed.

I don’t enjoy the things I used to so when you suggest I go for a walk, or do yoga, or help you cook, I don’t want you to take it as me being lazy or disrespectful toward you when I say that I don’t want to.  I simply don’t find joy in anything anymore, not even simple day to day things. The entities have stolen my personality and I’m trying to come to terms with it.  It’s a hard thing to explain when I don’t fully understand it myself so please excuse my messy and unorganized thoughts.

I’m sorry that I yell at you when you’re only trying to help me.  I get so overwhelmed with everything that I tend to attack those closest to me.  I push everyone away because I want to be able to deal with this by myself.  If I can’t get better on my own, then I’m weak and I want to be strong.  I appreciate everything you do for me, but as much you want to help me, I need to do most of this by myself, for myself. You’ll say that needing help doesn’t make you weak, and I agree.  Everyone needs help. I need help.  The best way you can help me is to try to understand but even if you don’t, your support is all I want and need.

Sometimes when I get into moods, which happens quite frequently, it’s not because of something you said, or because I’m trying to sulk or argue.  I just get into moods and I need to lock myself in my room and be alone for a little.  I shut down when I can’t handle things because it’s the only coping mechanism that works for me right now.  I know that you would rather I come and sit with you and talk to you but that’s just not helpful for me right now. I’m trying to get better and though it doesn’t seem like much, it’s a lot for me, and I know it’s a lot for you too.

I don’t always know what I need to feel better and I get agitated when you or others give me advice because it’s all things I’ve already read and know about.  I’ve tried lots of different things these past few months, some have worked, some haven’t, but it’s hard to go into detail and tell you everything that I have and haven’t tried.

I know it is easier to ask for trust than it is to give it, so I suppose we will both have to be patient with each other.  All I mean is that when you tell me about things you’ve read about, and I just get frustrated, I’m not trying to be rude or dismiss your concern, but rather express, in the most incoherent and aggressive way, that I’ve tried that method, or that that specific method doesn’t appeal to me. I know I can’t be picky and choosy but when something just isn’t right for me, it just isn’t and no matter how much I try to embrace it, somethings things just don’t work out.  I have a constant internal battle going on in my brain and it’s incredibly exhausting so when I say I feel one way, I could feel the complete opposite way in a few moments time.

I’m sorry that I lied to you so much about my treatment and what was going on in my head all those months ago.  I remained in the mind frame that if I lied about things and said that everything was fine I could protect your feelings.  I was obviously wrong, and I truly am sorry for it.  I just hope that one day you’ll trust me again.

I need your patience, and I’m sorry that I’ve made this so hard for you.

I love you,

Sarika xx